Dracolash
by JestaAriadne
Summary: In which Draco Malfoy tries to do a good deed for humanity... Gueststarring: singing dwarves, Eloise Midgen and Igor Karkaroff!


Don't own Harry Potter... 

This is by **Norbert for President **and **JestaAriadne**. This starts when Draco is inexplicably in the Gryffindor common room - and even more inexplicably trying to sell all the Gryffindors cosmetics... if you cannot accept this situation, please leave.

In Which Draco Malfoy Tries to Do a Good Deed for Humanity

by Norbert and Jesta

---

'Buy Dracolash!' yelled Draco Malfoy, standing on a chair in the centre of the common room.

'What?' yelled several Gryffindors.

'Dracolash!' he repeated, waving a handful of small black tubes around. 

'Extend and enhance your lashes past your wildest dreams!'

'Why?' was the next question posed by the rest of the room.

'Dracolash!' he shouted AGAIN, 'As worn by the Dark Lord himself!!!'

'Erm you're not really encouraging us with that, Drake' Hermione said, looking sceptically at him.

'I'm not?' he asked, confused, 'Oh alright Dracolash! Dumbledore swears by it!'

'Dumbledore doesn't wear mascara!' said an even more confused Harry.

'No but he still swears by it! Haven't you heard him? Whenever he's in a bad mood, he shouts 'Oh DRACOLASH!''

Fred confidentially tapped Malfoy on the shoulder. 'Draco dear these tactics may have worked back in Slytherin, but we're an entirely different crowd here, and frankly, you don't know the first thing about advertising How about we sell it for you?'

'Split the profits fifty-fifty,' added George quickly.

'FIFTY-FIFTY?!?' exploded Malfoy.

'Well, it's better than a hundred percent of nothing' said Fred wisely.

'Well, I suppose you can help me, then.' said Draco, 'but we're not splitting it fifty-fifty!'

'Oh alright how about we get seventy five?'

'DONE!' yelled Draco, grabbing George's outstretched hand. 'No, wait!'

'Nuh-uh-uh,' said George, retracting his hand and wiping it on his robes, 'Seventy five to us. You shook on it.'

Draco pouted as Fred strode up to Ron. 'Dracolash.' He said, 'Bring out your eyes.'

'Wow,' said Ron, 'Have you got any in red?'

'I don't know!' said Fred, turning back to Draco. 'Red?' he asked, sticking out a hand ungraciously.

'Here you go,' said Draco sulkily.

'Thanks, my man. Here, Ron. Go on, bring out the scarlet man in you!'

'How much? How much?'

Fred turned to Draco. 'How much? How much?'

'5 sickles each.'

'Honestly' muttered Fred. He turned to Ron, smiling broadly. 'For you I'll make it 12 sickles.'

'Wow' said Ron, and handed over the money.

'Wow' said Draco, pocketing his share.

Meanwhile, George was trying his luck with Hermione and Harry.

'You know, Harry,' he said, examining his face. 'I think red would be rather good on you too'

'Why?' asked Harry, dubiously.

'Well, your eyes are green, and as red and green are complementary colours, you know'

'So?'

'Well, you know it'll just look good!'

Harry had a moment of inner struggle, then: 'I'll buy it!' he exclaimed.

'Oh, honestly, Harry' started Hermione, before spotting a very attractive electric blue shade in George's selection.

'Hey George'

Within ten minutes, the entire common room was equipped with at least one bottle of Dracolash, sold at varying prices (dependent on stupidity - ranging from Hermione's at 7 sickles to Harry and Neville who had forked out a galleon for theirs')

As Draco was leaving happily to sell to the Hufflepuffs, Ron looked up from his bottle.

'Erm What exactly's in this stuff? The ingredients list is a little confusing And it says here 'totally organic''

'Oh yes, 100% natural ingredients, a variety of pure colourants, ranging from onion to blood to-'

'BLOOD???' yelled Ron, dropping his bottle hastily.

'Oh no no no not REAL blood, Ron It's eticighenmagnate liphotandatin aikaten, you know the COLOUR of blood just chemicals, really.'

'Hmmm,' said Hermione, 'I thought you said it was completely organic.'

'Oh, it is!' said Draco.

'Um, how?'

'You see eticighenmagnate liphotandatin aikaten is just the chemical NAME for bl- I mean cherry juice!'

'Oh right' Hermione shrugged. 'Well, I've got electric blue anyway, so I'm alright. See you Ron!'

* * * * * 

The Great Hall at breakfast the next morning was a colourful sight. Only the staff looked natural, and rather bemused, though this was all about to change

With more official salespeople than ever (including Harry Potter at the excellent pay rate of 2 knuts per hour), by lunchtime, there was not a plain eyelash in sight

.Except, of course, those of Professor Snape who had taken to wearing Dracolash in a rather more unconventional way. The tips of his greasy black hair were not black anymore. Pink, gold and green sparkled as he walked.

Harry felt obliged to inform him of the terrible mistake he had made.

'Professor' he began.

'What is it, boy?' snapped Snape, flicking his interesting hair towards Harry.

'Nothing!' he squeaked.

A few seconds later: 'Professor'

'WHAT?'

'Errrm er your hair'

'What about it?'

'It's Dracolash, isn't it?'

'Yes, thought it rather a good idea.'

'Yes, but but you're meant to put it on your' Harry trailed off again. It was very disconcerting facing a multicoloured potions teacher.

'Get to the point!' Snape glared at him.

''

Snape glared still more witheringly. 'That isn't funny! Twenty points from Gryffindor, there's no such thing as eyelashes!'

* * * * *

__

---meanwhile, in Bulgaria---

'We can't sell this!' shouted the cosmetics spokesperson for the umpteenth time.

'We must sell this!' shouted the official Dracolash representative. 'We have seven cellars of it!'

'But 'Dragon-whip'? What does it mean? It will never sell!'

'It means' said the oily voice of the smart-alec of the group, one Igor Karkaroff, 'that your eye-lashes will be as thick as the whips the dragon tamers use.'

The cosmetics spokesperson pounded the table. 'But why would anyone WANT eyelashes that thick??'

'It's a METAPHOR.'

'People who wear mascara don't understand metaphors!!!'

Karkaroff stroked his goatee. 'Well then, gentlemen,' he said, ignoring the fact that half of those present were female, 'It seems that what we need is a really good representative. A face that can sell ANYTHING.'

* * * * *

__

---back at Hogwarts---

'Ron! Are you alright?' 

Ron felt as if he was getting chronic deja-vu. 'Yes,' he said dully, breathing hard, 'I. Am. Fine.'

'But - your face!'

'It's Dracolash.'

'But - your FACE!'

'It went wrong. And it doesn't wash off.'

'Oh Ron! Your FACE!'

* * * * * 

A few moments later, Ron confronted Draco.

'RON, your FACE!' said Draco.

'Shut up!' said Ron. 'Malfoy, is this stuff permanent?'

Draco grinned at Ron.

'IS IT?'

Draco continued to grin.

'IS IT IS IT IS IT IS IT????????????????????????'

'I'm just going to keep on grinning at you till you go away.' said Draco calmly.

Very soon, however, he was not grinning. He was in fact lying on the floor clutching his bleeding nose.

Hermione walked in. 'Honestly, you two!' Then -'Draco! Your FACE!'

* * * * *

---back in Bulgaria---

The posters were everywhere. 

And everywhere, bemused Bulgarians were framing the same question: 'Dragon-whip?'

But, soon, they began to get an answer: 'Viktor Krum wears it.'

The next logical question was, of course, 'Does he?'

Upon which, they were told: 'Yes. Buy it now.'

* * * * *

__

----back in Hogwarts---

They were everywhere.

In the corridors.

On the stairs.

By your bed.

EVERYWHERE!

And they were singing.

'Buuuuy Dracolash, buy Dracolash, buy Draco, draco, dracolash, buy Dracolash, buy Dracolash, buy Dracolash today!'

Lockheart's dwarves had found new employment. They used the time-honoured tactic of advertisers everywhere: annoy until people bought of sheer desperation.

* * * * *

By Thursday, things had gotten out of hand. With the coming of Dracolash-Party - a delightful innovation that changed colour 4 times each second, and was as permanent as they original, most of the school had severe migraines, and a good proportion had attempted suicide.

Ron's situation had gotten no better. Eventually, he had tried to curse off the crimson stains. 

Some hours later, he woke up in the hospital wing. His nose felt strange ratherlighter than usual. He tried to scratch it, but

'MY NOSE!!!' he yelled. 'WHERE HAS MY NOSE GONE??'

A calming voice came from the next bed. 'Oh, you too, eh?' said Eloise Midgen. 'Don't worry, it's not so bad. I've had mine off at least 10 times. Though I must say, I never lost one of my ears aswell.'

'AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!'

When Hermione and Harry came to visit, variously flashing electric blue, acid green, khaki and shocking pink, they found only one comment appropriate. In unison, they shouted:

'OH RON! YOUR FACE!!!'

THE END 


End file.
